Happy 2nd Birthday Reagan!

My precious Reagan Abigail is 2! We had a garden themed party in Tennessee and were scheduled to have a Fancy Nancy party in Texas, though we had to cancel it.
We spent her birthday at the park with her friends. We also went to Gigi's and ate cupcakes with our friends. She had a blast and wanted MO(more...my sweet little TN girl)! We love this little girl so much. She is beautiful and so incredibly smart. She loves to play pretend with jewelry, purses, phones and anything kitchen related. Her vocabulary increases daily with complete sentences and will repeat anything...so you better be careful. ;)
Happy 2nd birthday to my precious Reagan Abby. You are such a blessing to us. You have taught me unconditional love. LOVE YOU!

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Our Sweet Glory Baby

Last Friday, on November 11th, 2011, Ben and I found out that the sweet baby I was carrying had gone to be with Jesus. This week has been a roller coaster of emotions, but I felt it time to write this post...

Friday morning I woke up and noticed a faint spotting. It was so faint I really wasn't worried about it. I called Ben at work though and he said to go ahead and call the doctor. Reagan and I were scheduled to fly to Texas on that Sunday, so we thought it best to get a clear bill of health before leaving town. So, Ben met Reagan and I at my doctor's office. I was 10 week 3 days along.

My doctor used the Doppler to find the heartbeat but warned that if it didn't pick it up, not to worry. I was still early enough where it sometimes couldn't be heard. No heartbeat was found. Even though she had just finished telling me not to worry, I began getting a sinking feeling. We waited what seemed like forever, though I'm sure it was just a few brief minutes and went to have a sonogram. I saw my beautiful baby up on the screen in front of me. The technician kept repeating that she was just going to keep taking measurements. She then casually said that she was going to go get my doctor because the baby was measuring small. I had no idea what this meant at the time but tears instantly came. My doctor came in and I remember hearing that the baby's head wasn't as formed as it should have been. I finally asked my doctor what this meant and that's when she delivered the blow. I had miscarried. There are no words to describe hearing your baby has passed away all the while looking at their beautiful picture on a large screen in front of you. No words.
Naturally I began weeping inconsolably. My poor Reagan was with us and immediately started crying when she saw me so upset. This still breaks my heart. We were then given our options and escorted back into a private room to call our families. How do you call your mom and tell her that her grandchild has passed away? Or your sister that their niece or nephew? Again, no words.

My doctor thought it best to go ahead and get a DNC instead of passing the tissue naturally. At the time I agreed, though I think I would have liked to go natural looking pack. My appointment was at 10:00. At this point it was 12:30 and I had to be at the hospital at 1:00. I frantically called my sweet friends Kristin and Jennifer to come get Reagan. My mom was able to fly out that day but wouldn't be there until 6:00 that evening. We waited in the waiting room for what seemed like forever and just cried and held each other. Then we were called back into my room.

I had the sweetest nurses that hugged me and rubbed my back and most importantly prayed over me while I melted into their arms and sobbed. They kept Ben in the waiting room while they got me ready for surgery, so the amazing nurses were my only form of support. One sweet nurse just sat with me, told me about her miscarriage and how she now has two healthy beautiful children and even printed out scripture for me to read while I waited. When Ben was allowed to come back in the room she prayed over both of us. We waited in this room for an hour or so...it felt like an eternity yet slipped by too quickly. While I knew my baby had passed, I still desperately wanted to cling to it. I was in fact still pregnant. How do you wake up, go into a hospital pregnant and yet come out with no baby. No words can describe the emptiness that I felt. I truly felt hollow with an empty womb. When I woke up, I was again taken care of by an amazing nurse who also reassured me that I was young and would have more beautiful babies. All comforting words except for the fact that I simply wanted the baby back that I had just lost. I still do.
After we left the hospital we picked up my mom at the airport and went home. My sweet friend brought Reagan to us and I have never wanted to hold her tighter and praise Jesus for giving us a healthy baby. My heart breaks when I think of all of my friends who walk through this season without a  child to hold to help heal their wounds. I am so incredibly sorry for them.

That night was a blur. All I remember is staying in Ben's arms sobbing uncontrollably for hours. Saturday was Reagan's birthday party, and I was determined to still have the party. I put my brave face on and hung out with our friends and celebrated my baby girl turning 2. The next week went on how Friday night went....wrapped in Ben's arms crying. I am so thankful for a husband who wept, supported and loved me through this. Who never told me to move on but instead let me cry anytime I needed. This has indeed bonded us for life. Ben, I love you so much. Thank you.
I read in a book called Bittersweet, that I dear friend from church gave me about the difficulty of the mourning process. Other family members, friends and even dads tend to move on quicker in the healing process than moms. How true this is. I had the most difficult time finally cutting my hospital bracelet off because I felt like once I did, that was it. It was over. Forgotten. Never existed. But what a lie. This is our child. Will always be our 2nd child. We are parents now to 2 children. One on earth with us and one in heaven waiting for us. I finally cut the bracelets off though after I came up with the idea to make a memory box. I included all of our sonograms, the bracelets, our congratulatory cards as well as our sympathy cards and our hospital paperwork. I have a necklace that I was given for Mother's Day years ago with two charms..one for Ben and I and the other Reagan. I ordered a third for our sweet baby. After hearing a song by Selah about a miscarriage, we decided to name our baby Glory. It was so incredibly fitting. Glory is everything good and perfect. It's grace. Love. Beauty. Nothing is better than God's glory and we ultimately gave our Glory to God. The song Held by Nicole Grant (which the sweet nurse at the hospital also told me about) has also helped me grieve. I have spent hours listening to it curled up in a ball weeping. Sad but so healing.
I started this blog over a month ago and I am just bringing myself to finishing it and posting it. Definitely the most difficult to date. I chose to write it though because this blog is about my life. Beginning when we built our house and found out we were pregnant with Reagan. While this is a sad story, I feel it is honoring and remembering our Glory baby. Today I am doing much better. I still spend my showers crying more often than not and usually tear up when anybody asks about it...but that's okay. This is my life now, and I am learning to find peace in it through God's glory. Who better to walk us through this journey in life than someone who sent His own son to die for my sins?

You make me laugh!

Somedays I don't know if I want to cry or laugh when dealing with you. Sometimes I just do both. Regardless you always make me laugh. Here are your latest antics.

When I put you in time out for being HORRID in the grocery store (to the point where a sweet grandma and grandpa came over to help me console you), I put you in timeout while I was unloading groceries. I poked my head in the living room to make sure you were still sitting down and you had taken your socks and shoes off and had your sock on your hand singing to it like a puppet. I hid in the laundry room while your dad and I laughed hysterically on the phone.

I gave you a warning for acting naughty and asked if you needed a time out. You answered with a serious yes and walked over and put yourself  in the time out corner. I didn't know if I should get you out or let you stay. This parenthood thing is confusing??!!

In order for you to focus while eating at the table I have to constantly sing songs to you or talk about the birdies out the window. If I don't pay attention, then it is all.over.

When you get scolded for something, you cutely start singing 'Twinkle Twinke' and doing the signs. You may be cute but this isn't getting you off the hook...okay...well sometimes it might work. ;)

The other day you were strolling around having a conversation on your phone while pushing your baby doll around in the stroller and carrying your purses all while wearing an arm full of bracelets. When I looked in your purse, I about died. You had tylenol (in a safe child-proof bottle...don't worry), neosporin and tampons. Haha! And the tampons became your favorite toy of the day. And yes...I tried to take them away from you and you were having none of it. So, I figured what the heck? Oh well.....  :)

I love you my funny and silly girl!

Chatty Cathy

Reagan is definitely my daughter and just chitter chatters all day long. I love it! She will "read" her books outloud to me, talk to her babies, tell me all about her day, sing to herself or whoever will listen, she loves to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star to all of her new friends she meets. I'm sure they love it as much as I do. I am daily amazed at her vocabulary. Here's some of her newest words/sayings:

Purple

Yellow
Talking on her phone: "Hello. How are you? No. Okay. Bye Bye."
Water
Hot
Bar (Granola Bar)
(Teddy, Daddy) Where arrrrrreee you? Here she/he is!

Happy

Joy

Dora

Diego

Oh no!

Aww..man!

bracelets
outside
sandwich (loves grilled cheese and peanut butter & cinnamon honey from our local farmers market)
Banana
grape
apple (really an orange)
Nany (LOVES Fancy Nancy)
I eat this.
Nite Nite. (She loves to flip through Goodnight Moon and say "Nite Nite" on every page)
Fish
Lots of body parts: toes, knees, elbows, arms, belly button, ears, hair, eyes, nose, mouth, teeth and tongue. She loves to sing 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes'
Shoes (OBSESSED with shoes! My kind of girl! We bought her sandals for next summer when they were on sale and she insisted on wearing them all week from the minute she got up until she went to bed that night. We eventually had to hide them).
Socks (DESPISES them. My girl!)
Shirt
Purse
One, two, three
Color
Marching
No, No, No (while she is shaking her finger at you...lovely)
Diaper (She is oh so smart and tells me when her diaper needs to be changed. She'll say diaper and go get her wipes and creams for me while I grab the diaper. What's even smarter is that she knows how to use this word to get out of certain situations...like when she doesn't want to sit at the dinner table with us she'll pull the 'diaper' card)
Favorite songs: Twinkle Twinkle, Wheels on the Bus, This Little Light of Mine, Jesus Loves Me, If You're Happy and You Know It.., The theme song to Diego, Dora and The Cat in the Hat (pretty annoying!) and I've Got Joy in My Heart (SO sweet when she points to her little heart!)
Here's her first take on a peanut butter sandwich. Not at all impressed. She is not a fan of jelly. I found the trick is a spoonful of homemade cinnamon honey from our local farmers market added to the peanut butter. YUM!

...TX continued...

The rest of our trip in Texas was much less exciting. We had a great time with almost daily playdates. I think it will be fun to look back one day and see who all of your playmates were, so here's a list of your dates for the week:
Hailey and Bryson Culver, Colton Grinstead, Preslee Holsworth, Hunter Turman and of course Kaleb and Chance.

To complete our trip, we had to pack up and haul booty back to Tennessee before you broke out in blisters. Yes...you somehow managed to catch hand, foot and mouth virus on top of having stitches. Can I even begin to describe how cranky and miserable you were? Poor thing. You ran fever the last day we were there and just stayed all curled up in my lap. When we got home, we were in quarantine for two weeks...super fun....and then I can caught strep throat from my one outting to the grocery store. I know..ridiculous.

Texas: Day 1

It seems like taking a two week trip to Texas takes a complete month to prepare for...list after list, shopping trips and planning toys, activities and movies for Reagan for the long drive. I always get in such a focused state two days before we leave, when all of the packing happens. I double and triple check all of my lists and sometimes even have it written on one list to double check my other lists..seriously...I'm that serious about being organized when I pack. Some call it obsessive, I'll go with organized.

We decided to leave at 4:00 in the morning to see if Reagan would actually sleep some in the car. I think she can sense that we're going to be in the car for a long while on our trips and where she'll sleep in the car after a hard day of playing from the park to our house, she REFUSES to sleep on our trips. Awesome. Well, the 4:00AM departure did the trick, and she slept until around Little Rock. The last 1 1/2 hours of being in the car seem to be the most miserable. We hit Dallas and feel so close to home but my parents seem to still live so far away. Darn those small towns with their slow speed limits and country roads. There is always such a peace that comes when I call my mom to tell her to come outside (as if she hasn't already been waiting outside for us for the last 30 minutes). Maddie and Emmy went crazy chasing each other around the yard, Mamaw and Papaw were so happy to see Reagan, and Ben and I were beyond ecstatic to pass our cranky baby off. LOVE you honey! :) This happiness last only one hour..to be exact. We had just made plans with my sister and her family to meet at my parents' for an impromptu dinner. I was sitting on my parents' bed and had just hung up the phone when my little helper found me and climbed up next to me. When I got off the bed Miss Independent decided she could get off the bed all by herself too. Trouble is..she still can't judge height. She'll jump off a 4 foot tall bed, thinking she can touch the floor but will hold on tight to the sheets of a 2 foot bed scared to drop when she only has an inch to the floor. Anyways...my parents have a beautiful tall bed that is NOT kid friendly and she busted....hard. Did I mention she was carrying the newspaper with her while tempting this fete. Poor thing bit right through her lip. Have I ever mentioned 1) my fear of blood 2) how much I completely PANIC when anything happens to Reagan. How I could have a nurse for a sister I have no idea. So, I obviously start completely freaking out when I see her mouth is full of blood and she is hysterical. I start screaming for Ben who has the complete opposite reaction of me. Passive. Calm. Totally detached emotionally from the crazy situation. After some convincing while screaming and crying (I know...I totally helped the situation), we ran to the car with my mom driving, Ben in the front and Reagan and I in the back. On the way we realize my mom is in her house shoes...so funny! Poor mom. Have I also ever mentioned that I get my freak out tendencies from my mom? At one point, I was thinking 1) my mom could seriously have a career as a cab driver in NY 2) Reagan's cut should probably be the last of my concerns right now. We're all going to die on the way to the ER. BUT...we arrived.

We were taken back to a room immediately (I think the screaming from Reagan (or was it me) was terrifying the other patients. That was the last quick thing of the day. Poor Reagan was screaming and crying so hard that she had a dirty diaper. Only problem...we didn't bring a diaper bag, a wallet, a phone...just us and Teddy. Thank goodness my mom was still in the waiting room and went and bought us wipes and diapers...in her house shoes and all. We had the sweetest nurse that played Alvin and the Chipmunks songs on her phone for Reagan to pacify her and pass the time. Sweet girl. No matter how bad she is feeling, she just can't help herself from busting a move to a good beat. Five hours later, we finally got stitches. It was AWFUL! Now, I know that stitches are stitches and 1 in every 1 kid gets them..but when it's your kid....completely different. They had to sedate her which was the horrific to see. It was a simple shot and then I just held her until her cries stopped. She was still conscious but not aware of anything. It was so strange her looking at me but there being no recognition there. Such an eerie feeling. Then I had to put her on the table and they put an oxygen mask on her. To see your little baby with a blood pressure bracelet on her leg and an oxygen mask on her face is just torture. She also had body shakes from the sedation and hiccups that sounded like she was gasping for air. In the middle of the process, the poor doctor came over and hugged me and asked if I was going to be all right. After we had Reagan, I started donating to St. Jude's hospital because I now had a new understanding for the love of a child. However, after seeing the tole and difficulty of dealing with stitches, my prayers are with the children and parents who have to deal with far more serious diagnosis. You are warriors and heros. Teddy of course also got "stitches" along with Reagan. Even as she was getting her stitches, she was rubbing the hound out of Teddy's ears. That bear deserves a raise. When she started coming out of the anesthesia, I was so anxious that I think I had my face like 6 inches from hers, telling her over and over how much I loved her. Again...I know...stitches...but you have no idea unless you've been there. When she woke up enough and said Mama....I think I promised her a pony, a Barbie jeep, a new wagon, a lifetime supply of Popsicles and anything else she could ever want. We stayed in the hospital for a few more hours until they felt that she was awake enough to leave. My sweet sister had cooked such a great dinner for us at our parents' house, but we didn't get home until around 8:30 that night. Even with being half drugged still, Reagan was so excited to see her "bubbas". Only problem, she couldn't yet get her legs to work. So, she "chased" around the boys while Aunt Jennifer helped her move around.

Our day began at 4AM, drove 9 hours, spent 5 hours in the hospital and all crashed for the night. I am so proud of my little trooper and still so sorry she had to go through all of that. My mom said it's one less boo boo that she'll have to have. Here she is coming out of anesthesia. Notice Teddy's bandaid.

She had to eat a popsicle before she could leave. This girl lives for popsicles, so this was no trouble for her.

The rest of the trip..to be continued....

BIG News!

I wanted to slowly introduce Reagan to the potty, but I wasn't going to push potty training quite yet. We went to the store yesterday and picked out a cute little green potty and I set her on it when we got home. We sat there for like 15 minutes singing songs and reading books. She LOVED it! I put her back on it after nap time and what happened.....she teetee'd and pooped! Woohoo! What a big girl!! She proceeded to teetee in it again last night and another time today. She loves her potty so much that it's become an issue..yesterday she had to sit on it (clothed) to eat lunch and watch her cartoons. Then Teddy had to sit on it too. After her buns are red from sitting on it so long and I make her get up, a huge fit ensues. Awesome. BUT....I am still completely proud of her and am ever reminded of how quickly she is growing up. Way to go Rea!

On another note, she has "learned" two new songs this week: ABC's and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. She knows the melody to both and sings A B A B A B E A B E  and then sings Up Buv Up Buv Up Buv Up Buv (and does the twinkle twinkle hand signs pointing 'up above the world so high). She's also learned to say her middle name...Abby.